Clips from the Lives of Deadpool and Bob
by dedpule
Summary: This will be a series of drabbles featuring Deadpool and Bob, Agent of Hydra. They are not chronological, and are not chapters. Rather, they are intended to be glimpses into those two character's lives.
1. Meet Bob

The tv was blaring:

"...ask yourself: who are _you_?"

The tv clicked off. What a question. Hell if he knew the answer. He'd played his share of roles: sidekick, minion, worthless husband. Still, he had no idea who he was. _How do you answer that question?_ he thought. State how well off you are in life? Sum up your experiences? Relate your current state of mind?

_State of mind:_ he thought,_ feelings of uselessness, despair, fear, and helplessness tempered by brief moments of glee or ignorance. Also, hungry._

He realized he could some himself up as: Bob, Agent of Hydra.


	2. Bob grows a pair for 99 words

"Quit being such a jerk."

"What?!" Deadpool stared shocked. Under normal circumstances, that statement would have barely fazed him. But this was _Bob_. Bob never acted like this!

"You heard me, " Bob said. The Hydra agent wavered for a moment, then added a quiet, "Mr. Wilson."

"Don't talk to me that way." Deadpool couldn't understand Bob's behavior.

"No! You treat me like a pet, not a human. Plus, Even Hydra offered a dental plan!"

The discussion was interrupted by a phone call for Deadpool. When the merc was done, he turned back. "Now, what were we talking about?"

"Nothing."


	3. Okay

Bob, Deadpool, Captain America, a giant, and a Q-tip: what ties all theses together? Well, Bob and and Deadpool were just cruising, checking out new places to eat when Captain America has thrown over their head by an attacking giant. Deadpool started slicing at the giants calves, but Bob had the bright idea of throwing a giant dose of pepper down the giant's nasal passages. Through heroic effort, Cap managed to get the pepper into the nose. The giant sneezed, covered everyone in snot, and Bob had to spend the rest of the day cleaning Cap's shield with a Q-tip.


	4. Joking Around

A priest, a nun, and Deadpool walk into a bar. What happens? Answer: Deadpool kills the priest and nun for breaking their vows of sobriety, drinks, and leaves.

What do you get if you cross Deadpool with a tomato? Ketchup.

How many mercenaries does it take to change a lightbulb? Unknown: that's never happened. However, it only takes part of a mercenary to demolish one.

Never take your life too seriously- Deadpool could end it any time.

Why did Deadpool cross the road? Because the little voice in his head told him to.

Deadpool looked up. "Bob these are great!"


	5. Joking Aside

"All right! Now THIS is what I'm TALKING about!" Deadpool screamed and started sprinting among the festivities. "Death Day, woohoo!"

"Actually, its Dia de los Muertos." A young girl passing out fliers gave Deadpool a dirty look.

"Who cares? There's got chimichangas and death!"

"We care! It's our cultural holiday you're mocking." The girl turned away, muttering, "Stupid American."

"Wait just a second. I'm Canadian. "

She turned back. "I don't think so."

"I am!"

"Prove it. Say 'aboot'."

"Not all Canadians say that, ya know."

"Eh."

"What?"

"Not, 'ya know', 'eh'. If you were Canadian, you'd say 'eh'."

"Whatever."


	6. Why Bob needs Dental

"OWOWowowoWOWOWOW!"

"Pipe down, Bob, I'm watching Iron Chef."

"OWOWOWOWOWOwowowowowoWOWOWOWOWWWWWWWWWWWW!"

Deadpool threw down the remote and stomped into the bathroom of his apartment. "Really, Bob, what is your problem?!"

Bob stat on the lid of the toilet seat, ice clamped to his jaw and tears streaming down his face. He whimpered, pointing to his jaw.

"What? Didja get punched or something? Or," Deadpool wondered, "did you eat the stew from that one place? I think they put rocks in it. Or dinosaur teeth."

"No, I got a cavity."

"A cavity? Really?"

"That's why a dental plan is so important to me."


	7. Deadpool Introduces Himself

"Listen up, you losers! Some of you may know me. Probably you know me as Deadpool, or The Merc With a Mouth, or possibly even that crazy killer dude. Maybe you think of me as That Hot Guy in Flattering Red and Black Spandex. But I am so much more than all that. I am the Breaker of the Fourth Wall! The Yellow Box Conversationalist! The Chimichanga Chower Champ! The Master of the Pitiful Bob! The Guy Who Once Held a Hot Dog Hostage! The One From Whom Yappy DOgs Quake in Fear! The Awesome! Amazing! Completely and Totally Insane!"


	8. Deadpool Monologues

"You are one stupid little supervillain, aint'cha? As if I didn't think Venom was going to come running when I announced in major advertisements that I had THE Spiderman up for sale. As if I didn't know that would bring J. Jonah Jameson running as well. As if I didn't know that g you, Fin Fang Foom, would come as well? Well, I didn't, but I knew that something had to mess up my sinister plot. My plan is to use you, FFF, Jameson, and Spiderman to rule the world. Actually, that's not the plan because I don't actually monologue."


End file.
